Christmas was a foreign holiday for me. We didn’t celebrate it back home. I had Christian friends at school but I never participated in any of their holiday festivities. My dad never allowed me to go. He hated Christmas and he disliked Christianity. Snow was also fairly new to me. This was my first year in Toronto that it was going to snow during Christmas. The past two years it rained and big snowstorms followed in January, much past the holidays.
This year, Madhu wanted me to experience Christmas to the fullest. We’d started dating early this year and from the beginning he had promised a perfect Christmas. It was his favourite holiday, he claimed. When we moved in together in September, he bought Christmas decorations. I helped him pick out a tree-topper, a magnificent gold star that shines bright like a diamond.
As soon as November begun, Madhu took us to a tree farm. We bought a medium size fir tree, perfect for our apartment. We decorated it that same day. We ended the day with peppermint mochas and his favourite Christmas movie. I was beginning to get the idea of Christmas but one part of me still ached, holding onto the past. It wouldn’t let me enjoy Christmas to the fullest, not the way Madhu truly wanted me to.
November passed in a hurry. Madhu made time every night to sit with me on our couch, Christmas lights on and a cup of hot cocoa in our hands. He snuggled with me and we watched TV, talked about our day. The nights were cold but Madhu kept me warm, wrapping me up in his arms. I should’ve been content but I couldn’t forget the past, my home. The memories kept haunting me and I was awoken every night, sweating and panting from the fear that I had been killed this time for sure, murdered by bombs. One night it was guns, and another night it was men stabbing me in the chest. Every night I woke up in fear but I never woke Madhu up. I would look at him sleeping peacefully and smile, cuddling into him and willing those fears away. Without his knowing, he kept me safe.
When December came around, I readied my presents for Madhu. I hid them under the bed while he was at work and hoped he wouldn’t find them. In the second week of December, we went to his work Christmas party. I wore a long, glittery red dress and looked my best. Meanwhile, he was done up in a suit and I couldn’t believe I’d gotten so lucky. He always looked handsome but in a suit he was something else and I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. We took pictures and danced our night away. It was perfect yet it still wasn’t enough. I was haunted and keeping everything inside, away from Madhu. I thought I was protecting him but it wasn’t fair to Madhu. It wasn’t fair that I made him feel like he wasn’t enough because I wasn’t enough. He was good for me but I kept pulling away because of that fear, those memories. It was I who was damaged, with a dark, hidden past that wouldn’t let me completely love him the way he deserved.
It wasn’t until two days before Christmas that I decided enough was enough. He took me to the Christmas market, a must during the holidays, he said. We dressed warm in turtlenecks, winter coats, hats and gloves. He took a picture of me all bundled up, giving my nose a quick peck. That made me beam with happiness. The Christmas market was beautiful, lights strung in the air, around shrubs and tree branches. It cast a warm feeling around the area. There was hot cocoa and cider, a big fire to keep everyone warm. We stopped by the tree which stood in the middle of the market. I stared at it with my mouth wide open in awe. Madhu held my hand the entire time, snapped photos of us and me, capturing every moment. We stood close to the fire to warm up and I heard a loud crackle. It instantly transported me back to the past and I started heaving, panic washing over me. I was full of fear, my heart pounding. I felt sweaty and stuffy, as though I was being suffocated to death.
Madhu held me despite not knowing what was wrong with me. I held him tight because I thought I would lose myself completely if I didn’t. Within a few moments, I settled down and wiped the tears from my face. I turned away from Madhu, embarrassed and ashamed. I started walking with no destination in mind. Madhu followed, taking my hand in his. I knew he was waiting for me to explain but I couldn’t find the right words.
“There was a civil war where I’m from,” I started quietly. “A war I was caught up in and lost my family in,” I started to cry at the memories, the bombings, the fire and destruction.
We stopped walking and Madhu looked me straight in my eyes.
“I’m not always stable, Madhu. I keep remembering these godawful memories and I keep fearing the worst. I know I’ve escaped from there but it’s still all around me. I’m haunted by it.”
Madhu took me in his arms and whispered in my ear that he loved me, that he would be there for me. He wanted to take me to see a therapist but I didn’t think it would help.
“If you want to give it a try, I’m here.”
Still struggling to breathe normally, we walked slowly through the market. Things felt calm for once. I wanted to be here in this moment. I appreciated Madhu for understanding and for being there for me. Coming from a war-torn island, I never thought I would end up here, happy and at peace. I held him tight and knew that he was the one.
a little cup of tea 